Open letter for my Introvert man

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Bibitawan ko na ang lahat ng posibilidad na magkakatagpo pa tayo ulit. Takot pala yung naramdaman ko nung una kaya paulit ulit akong nakahawak sayo sa pag asang baka ikaw na. Kaya pala naranasan ko ang sakit sa pagpapanatili noon.
Im finally letting go of that fear, come what may but I need to let go of every possibilities that I’ll be seeing you again. I will understand and accepts if this means never again.

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Bute pa sa panaginip

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Nagising ako isang araw pero  parang gusto kong ulit umidlip dahil doon lang kita nakita.
Gusto kong umidlip ulit dahil doon lang kita nakausap.
Gusto kong umidlip ulit dahil doon lang kita nayakap at nahagkan.
Gusto kong umidlip ulit dahil doon ko lang naramdaman na may nadadama ka din para saken.

Sabi ng iba pag napaginipan mo ang isang tao lagi mo daw naiisip. Sa bagay totoo naman dahil di ako makawala sa pag ibig ko para sayo. Kahit anong pilit at paintindi ko sa sarili ko na tama na, mas gusto ng puso at utak kong isipin ka.
Minsan nakakapagod, nakakatanga, nakakainis. Dahil wala ka naman magawa kung hindi isipin lang siya.

Pero minsan gusto ko nalang din na ganito na kahit panaginip lang, dahil nararamdaman ko nang ilang segundo ang realidad na dapat para saten.

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Because I don’t have a love story to tell

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Is love story defines as a story of two people crazy madly in love with each other? A Relationship? Two way romantic melodrama?

I think that’s how love story is perfectly defined. If that is the case then should I say don’t have a love story to tell?

It was always a one sided love. Started from knowing the basics of him. We got to know each other and friendship starts. I fell for his uniqueness and started to keep it as a secret within myself. That’s were the sleepless nights starts. When I am trying to build scenes on my mind with him but fighting the feeling because I’m afraid that its only me building it and might not happen. Somehow confusion starts and I am in between of friends or lovers? Too weak to say things how amazing the fire burning in my heart every time I am with you.

Scared to tell the truth pretention starts. Pretend like nothing, pretend that we normally good as friends and keeping the composure of no emotions. That’s when hurt and pain came along. At first I was not aware why I am feeling those stabbing pricking fucking pain and I realized it was because I like you that much but don’t have a strong heart to tell you everything. He was giving me mixed signals but won’t proceed.

And I was stuck alone. In a dark empty feeling. Trying to move on but was hard because it was not clear why I am moving on.

Well pretty similar to any love story only difference it was only my story not OUR STORY. So is it safe to say that I don’t have a love story to tell?

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SANA

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Yung gustong gusto mo siya kaso sa takot mo na ma bull shit ng sarili mong nararamdaman pinipilit mong pina paalala na mag kaibigan lang kayo.

Kaso paano ko gagawin yun nang nabigyan ako nang pagkakataong makasama ka bawat minuto na nasa gilid lang kita, mga mata nating nagkakasalubong at naiiwan ako sa pagtitig sa mata mo habang nagkukwento ka. Mga kamay at braso nating hindi sinasadyang magkadikit. Mga ngiti at tawanan natin na sana wala ng katapusan. Mga paglalakad naten na panatag ako nandiyan ka.

Yung may kasamang sana sa panalangin mo. Na sana hindi na matapos ang araw na ito. Na sana mabigyan ako ng pagkakataon na makita at makasama hindi lang ngayon ngunit hanggang bukas at susunod pang araw. Na sana kaw nalang ang para saken.

Masaya siguro yung mga sana na yun. Pero baka hanggang sana nalang siya. Ipag papabahala ko nalang kay bathala ang aking nararamdaman.

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I like you and I really do

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How are you? Can we go out just like before?  I want to see you. I like you.
I miss you.

If only those words are easiest to utter I would say it in a second to you. Unluckily, I can’t and I won’t say it. It’s not that i don’t want to tell you this words but I can like you and that’s it. Hesitations perhaps hindering me.

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When we started going out I knew that your giving me a spark that I would love to ignite. We are both introverts but where you get the strength to invite me to hang out because don’t you know I’ve fallen for those times I am with  you. Sadly, I don’t have a strong heart to tell you this.

Don’t you know the adrenaline your giving me when I saw that you send me a message in facebook, a surprise text saying “wanna hang out”. And when we say it is JUST YOU AND ME.

Its amazing that the heart makes no noise when it cracks. So when my heart broke because of you it was only me who knew it. Only myself knew when and how it will heal.

So I will just pretend nothing happened. Easy as that.

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Learning the hard way

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When your trying to move on from a slight heart broken and guess what I am back to this feeling. Oh hi to you its been a while. Its been a while that I felt this and I’m uncertain how and when I it will end.

One day it just came along after you read his comment about liking someone which is not definitely you. That very moment was like you were struck by something you don’t know but its hurting you much.

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So I started realizing things like was my expectation didn’t met that’s why I am hurting. Most definitely that’s the reason why.

And yes it hurts like hell. Like your trying to be normal everyday with all of your routines but only just a second you missed and all the memories came back. You cant help yourself but to always check if he sent you a message in FB only to find out nothing was there or what was his status and see “oh he looks fine”. I’m trying to feed again those memories we had before and asking why we can’t be.

I need to move forward and accept that its just for friendship. Remove all your expectation and throw it somewhere else. And once I learned it maybe the hard way then I can meet you again face to face.

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Just a secret

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“And this will be a secret for the two of us” It may take probably tons of trust at first, but hell yeah once I’m comfortable with you you will love it.

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