See you around

(Dated: May 23, 2019)

When you were just in my dreams last night and now you bid your final goodbye. It was a simple and straightforward statement “It is my last day today”. But these seven words you utter, I deeply internalize. This marks the last day of having the possibilty of seeing you from now and then. This means of seeing you in a next chance of destiny.

I will not forget the first and the last time I saw you in our office. This last day of yours bring so much memories to me, from the first and the from last impression I had with you will linger to me forever.

My regret only was I was planning to have hopefully this day be special but you came early, but I appreciate.

My heart and mind will always remember your face, your smile and your whole. If one day I will forget those, my promise is that I will never forget the feeling you gave me when I am with you.

By then, see you around.

YxJ til next time

NP: Memorize EXES

There’s you in my everyday

I can’t deny the fact that you have been part of my everyday for years now. My system memorized how you look day by day. Now I am feeling this hole of emptiness right very through in my heart because for the next days, weeks, months and years our everyday will turn into someday. Someday, our everyday we had will happen again in future time. But for now, I need to survive without you but will not lose faith for that ‘everyday’ to happen again.

Self, be strong for now. Your emotions are valid. This maybe a tearful moment especially when those happy memories keeps on replaying and nothing you can feel but only happiness. However there is a reality that we need to grow individually, but I believe not to grow apart.

So for now, don’t suppress it, I know tears are flowing right now but this will make a perfect sense someday. Don’t get sad when everything reminds you of him, that just simply means that you have shared tons of memories and that is something you will both carry on. I will surely miss our everyday.

YxJ Goodbye for now

8|22|Bracelet

I love you enough to let you go.

Few tears coming out in my eyes and I am wondering why? Appreciation might be than sadness is what I am feeling right now.

And yes, I think I already came now to the point that the reality hit me so hard that I need to revisit my feelings for you.

There were couple of times that I convinced my self that what I am feeling for you is quite impossible. Its like a battle of the unknown and everyday I am next to you I am fighting that battle with the hopes to win it and yes there were moments that I think I am almost winning it until this day came.

The day that made me realized that I should be happy for your happiness. I honestly wished this for you, that one day there is someone you will meet that will love you more and you will love back even though its not me I wil be fine.

Thank you. I learned so much in loving you. I learned to share a piece of me to you and vice versa. You are genuine human being and it is not a surprise that I love you. Thank you for those wonderful memories. It left me nothing but happiness. Those butterflies in my stomach, those heart races fast when we are doing our groceries and hundredths but more specially thank you that our path crossed and making those moments possible. Thank you. I Love you enough to let you go.

YxJ

Thanks for the hint

March 28, 2018 Wednesday

Officially need to stop my feelings for you… not because I don’t like you anymore but because I like you that I understand where you can be happy.

I will be your friend dont worry..

I like you even more…

It is easy for me to rhyme if I am not doing fine but at this point of time I can’t find my own mine.

Right now rhyme is out of the game probably because destiny and fate are so generous with me that they wanted us to jive.. jive at the moment with you by my side.

I like you. Even now. Reason why my rhyme is nowhere to be found.

I am amaze how our eyes communicate with just one stare. They speak more than our tongue and everytime it does that I can’t help but just to look at you. Aside from your eyes, your laughter makes me soft inside. I like it when you almost running out of breath, and I wonder if that would be it the same intensity if we kiss? Just a wishful thinking. I am melting every second with you. Thankful how my heart find you so well. Hope it does to you as well.

I like every inch of you even more, I do. Thank you for letting me turn your some ‘bad days’to ‘good days’ I am happy that way. For someone who always test the water thank you for letting me invade your space and become handsy with you and I honestly cherished it the most.

I won’t be scared what comes next after this because time flies so fast for my ‘what ifs’ and just wanted to live for ‘what is’right now.

YxJ 0318

YxJ

February 14, 2018

Never knew I am with you this very day.

For the longest time February 14 is just a normal day for me. No expectation no pressure. For single in status like me it doesn’t excite me much but that was then not until the ‘feb 14, 2018’ came.

I don’t know why I was so excited to see you this day even I know it is just a normal working day in the office. You wearing in blue telling everyone that you are ‘single’ excites me more. Then yeah normal day as it is but I everytime I look in my monitor I can’t stop thinking of you, like your whereabouts for this special day. Until end of shift came and no goodbyes. I said to myself oh so this is how I will end my day. Not until we met at the gym. God knows how much my heart stumble the moment I saw you there. I was contented that every minute we spent together there, me doing my own thing and yours as well but without you knowing my heart is trying to keep her composure. Our laughs together, eye stare that kills me and my silent looks toward you are enough to fill my day. As we are about to go home I was really nervous inside that you might not invite me for a ride home. So as we are about heading outside I tested you. When I say ‘Hey boss uwe n ko!” and your response was ‘SABAY NA TAYO, sumabay ka na saken!” And that was like FUCK my heart was thumping so hard because of the overflow of happiness inside me. You might not know this but after you said that I was trying to convince myself “IS THIS TRUE”the man I like is about to drop me off home on a valentines day. I thought it was just an imagination and daydream but it was surreal. I cant hide my happiness when I am inside your car. Even though I know it just goodwill gesture but for me it is like a dream come true, the man that occupies my heart the most is here beside me making sure I will be home safe. Feels itself. Then every minute counts during that time.

And as I arrived home I honestly cant help but to scream my heart out because of happiness. But at the same time I am reminding myself not to feel much of this because history might repeat itself again and you have already pass that part.

I dont know why the next day maybe it was just me but our energy was overflowing that it seems that we want each others presence more often. Your small gestures like going to our bay which you are not doing for the past few days, being with us during lunch time even though you didn’t ate and a simple goodbye before we left the office. Everything to me are nerve wrecking in a positive way.

I realized my heart still beats for him even how much I try to run away from this feeling. My heart still wants you but in a minimal way because I know it might not go any further. I am just happy the way it is.

Feb.14, 2017 YxJ

Night

When everything is silent and the only thing loud is what running on your mind.

When everything is at peace and the only thing on war is your thoughts.

When every light is turned off and only thing shining are the moon and the stars.

It is only during night that let you experience what is opposite of what it should be. Even how unlike it may sound though, it is only at night I go loud and war thinking of you under the bright moon and stars. When sun comes up the next day that’s where I get rest of everything.

Same old feeling

And I found again myself on the same shit.

Hopeless romantic as they say but truth behind that is the same shitty feeling you’re in over and over again.

No changes. No changes. No changes

At first you will get the feeling of ‘Oh my god the feeling excites and thrills me inside’
Second you will get the feeling of ‘ This is overwhelming’
Third ‘this is impossible I need to stop’
And when everything cease to stop
Fourth ‘Shit it hurts’
Fifth ‘Continuous pain for whatever reason’
Sixth ‘You can’t get fuckin out of the pain’
Seventh ‘Still achin but need to survive
Eight ‘Survivin’
Ninth ‘Dealing with your overthinking ‘
Tenth  until the hundredths ‘fuck please I need to move forward’

And now I fell again with the same trap and I am currently sitting at the fifth step and this is a way to go to finish.

Trying to make myself understand that I need to cope with this because if not it will ruin everything.

I like him. This can’t be change now. Its different now. Everytime I look in your eyes I can’t help but to remember how my hearts flutter because of you.

One week to remember

Day 1: The feels of excitement but at the same wanted to avoid him.

When you recognize that he makes your heart flutter.

Monday: First day of work week. As expected you will see him. I was waiting for the first hour no one pass by. Second hour and took our first break. As frustrated my energy start to went down when suddenly I turned around I saw him at the pantry without me noticing that he was there for a minute already maybe I was focus to my energy. I can’t explain the feeling but it was a mix of being nervous and being excited like in tagalog term ‘ XET KILIG‘ I swear. I’m trying to replay it and I am still getting the kilig. He sat beside me one chair apart and it feels like I am frozen for that whole moment. Since I really felt awkward that I wanted to escape the moment so fast but I can’t and just living the moment.

He didn’t visit our bay as often as he will be previously that’s why I started to get worried that day honestly but before our works end we shared laughter together.

Day 2: Happy Jealousy..

All of a sudden why I am getting some airs of jealousy.

And this is the very first day I felt jealous of my team mate that he’s comfortable being with. Before this feeling it was a normal thing for me that he would go to our bay and doing chit chat to everyone except to me I swear that doesn’t affect me at all. But I guess this is one of signs that I have a lil bit of feelings for him that I can’t stand watching him talking to others and not including me..

But guess what… After doing his chit chats he was trying his best to make kulit with me and my response is so OA promise without efforts I would laugh to single silly things his saying. We enjoyed laughing together even we have the same topic about our routines in gym. I guess that’s our reason for us to laugh so hard.

And the highlight guess what talagang kinulit nya ko. Like he was asking me to do 3 squats s office and kahit parang tanga lang yung pinagawa niya grabe tawa niya sympre kunware tanga tangahan din ako. I will not forget this moment when I said ” Oh boss gawen mo muna tatlong squat” ginawa nmn nya.. Hahaha nakakatawa hahaha.

Again we will not end the day without a good laugh…

Day 3: Starting to miss him...

I don’t know why I felt something is missing in my day.

He didn’t went to office and I felt missing him.

Day 4: Why I feel so nervous in front of you.

I am starting to be conscious of my gestures.

I know that I will be seeing you today and every time we are enclosed in a situation I felt trembling and so conscious of myself in front of you even the situation doesn’t need it. The feels that at point second I will be seeing you gets my nervousness on a highest level not because I am afraid or what but I felt something exciting inside my body and the rest is history.

Seeing you laughing is my happiness.

Day 5:  Simple things makes my heart flutter.

Kind gestures means a lot to me.

We suddenly have those own moments together which I am not expecting. The day when you just want to have an accompany and chances it was me. We get along that moment and almost forgot your my one up. Stories, laughter, gaze through your eyes and simple gestures makes me feel warm inside. I caught you putting food in my plate and when I am trying to walk behind,  you are  making sure I wont be left behind and you tap the other side of my elbow. Thank you.

Day 6:  We have all the time in this world

I think time is the most valuable thing we can share together.

I was not expecting that I will be spending my Saturday’s with you neither you I bet but I thinks it is fate brought us to that moment. I saw you far different from the everyday in the office. I saw somehow rawness of you every time I look at you. You said its your first time to go to that place and I feel pleased to be with you at that moment. Your like a child that anytime you will be lost and when I look at you from behind I can’t help but to smile. And when we both zoned out already that’s the moment I love the most. That moment that we don’t care how close the distance of our body as long we are sleeping comfortably at the bus. That breaks probably the wall I’m building with you long time. I felt so secure during that moment and that’s very far different feeling as you as my boss.

Day 7: It is just us.

Moments we can owned together.

Sharing a piece of yourself  to me is priceless. I didn’t expect at this point in time that we will be having some moments like when we are driving home wherein you can freely talk about your day. You also entrusted me a story that really touch my heart on how you end up to what you are now today. You are gold. I hope I can end up to have someone who is just like you. I know it is impossible to end up to you but if god permits so I wanted to love someone who can stood up with their values in life and not afraid to take risk at any point of their lives.

One week was positively overwhelming to know your soul. I feel so grateful to have our paths crossed. Whatever happens to our own lives I want to say thank you for touching my life.

Baby you are Gold. Stay Gold.

To feel or not to feel

Highkey liking you but tyrna be lowkey
I certainly like you officially but at the same time it feels weird.

Same feeling when I like someone but what differs now is that I didn’t see it coming that it will be you. Honestly that freaks me inside positively ayt! Don’t get me wrong.

That’s why I am not sure if I need to feel this or need to stop this now. On the other hand, I love the feels of liking you so maybe I will go for this.

One reason probably my heart captured  accidentally your soul through your eyes others can’t see. You are vulnerable as a others can be but need to hide it at all cost.

Your behind the 4 letter word B-O-S-S same counts as your nickname. A 4 letter word that hides the real you. A 4 letter word where your soul is a bit hard to be find for the reason that you need to keep it so no one will hurt you.

But behind this word I saw a normal person whose vulnerable of everything. When I am trying to look into your eyes I feel sadness. You want to be loved but people keeps hurting you. And I am guilty of it at the start. People keeps doing it because they know you can endure it. And that sucks!. Upon realizing it that’s the very time I want to step in and shield you from those but how i don’t know.

Because of that 4 letter word I am having a hard time expressing how much I appreciate your presence. I don’t know how to show that your much appreciated by everyone specially by me and I bet you will not notice it any how.

Your mere presence is already a generosity. To sum it up. Yes I like you.